I have a friend who sometimes talks about how her married sex life goes in cycles. There are times she and her husband have wild monkey sex regularly and others when one (or both!) of them can't stand the sight of the other one clothed much less naked with intent. I have said all the things you say when you talk about this kind of thing with friends. "Totally normal!" "It'll come back around, right?" "You could _____." And you know sometimes she does ______ and sometimes she doesn't and their marriage isn't in danger of crumbling and she's a healthy red-blooded woman.
Me too.
But I'm single, right? And I'm really not "putting it out there" if you will. I'm concentrating on learning a new career, furthering an old career, and keeping the job that's currently supporting both. I've got a dog to walk. I have a lot of friends going through tough times right now and I'm doing my best to be supportive in whatever ways seem possible. I'm not even thinking about sex.
Wait.
Actually, let's backtrack. What I'm getting at more accurately is that, while I miss having sex with other people, it's not ruining my life not to have it. I can polish my own silver, if you'll pardon the expression, and I go through cycles with myself. I know that it's tied to menstruation and that a good catch and release, if you will, populates my thoughts at certain times of the month and fades into the background at others. Sometimes I idly wonder if I should be honoring those thoughts with more action but mostly I don't worry about it.
For the past couple of months I don't think I've jacked off at all. It was, actually, starting to bother me. Not, I guess, enough to do anything about it but enough to obsess on it just a tiny bit. Finally last weekend time and energy and opportunity and desire all converged so that I got to do myself a solid, as it were.
And now?
Well, christ, now it's all I can think about. I sat outside for lunch the other day and basically played Marry/Fuck/Kill with the passersby. I had 30 things to do last night in my 2 hours of free time and I stopped in the middle of them to rub one out. I spent conservatively 30 minutes this afternoon combing through social media photos of a couple of attractive men for the sole purpose of examining their hands in order to fuel some
very specific fantasies. And those fantasies are happening all the time. It's really odd to be studying how to train a dog to retrieve on one channel in your mind while using another channel to craft the perfect neck kissing scene.
By the way, if I wasn't busier than a one armed paper hanger right now I'd be writing that scene down for you and posting it here. Hope to get to it soon!
At dinner this weekend another friend said to me, "I don't know why but you've taken yourself off the market!" I didn't understand why he was bringing my love life up and I didn't think it was true but I didn't know what to say either. I certainly didn't do it intentionally. The intent is, perhaps, the key. "Use it or lose it!" they say. All I did was use it once and I unleashed the beast! When I'm not paying attention to how much I love sex - alone or in company - then I'm going to pay less attention to it. So, I guess, like my friend and her husband, I need to pay attention, to make it a priority, so I get to keep making it a priority in future. I'm here to tell you, it's totally worth it!
Anybody with me?
I've told Michael that even if I think I'm not really into the idea of having sex and he wants to have sex, then we should do it. Because I know that once we're there my mood will shift to wanting to have sex. I also have a rule of at the very least we have sex twice a week. You do get those lulls, sex funks. It may not sound spontaneous, though I do leave room for spontaneity, but I kind of see it as like exercise. Some times you don't want to walk on the treadmill, but you do it any way. It's good for your immune system.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're back here - I love this blog!
ReplyDeleteI definitely have ebbs and flows in my sexual desire. I'm not currently in a relationship so I'm only experiencing self-love. Sometimes I just totally forget about sex and my desires while at other times it's right on the surface ready to boil over. It sounds like you and I are similar in that way and I suspect many people are like that. It's different when you don't have a partner, though. There's no one there to trigger sex; it's all up to you. I feel a little worried when I go for a while without masturbating. I worry that I'll just dry up completely if I don't put some effort into it. But then something triggers me and I masturbate like crazy. Then, of course, I worry that I'm too much of a pervert! Because, you know, heaven forbid I actually accept myself for who I am!
Cindy, I feel funny about rules for amounts of sex but also think it's a really good idea. Thanks for inspiring me to think about that. SO good for your immune system!
ReplyDeleteJules, accept yourself. A healthy level of perversion is a good thing, in my opinion!