Best Practices

I don't know how other people do it but I have a masturbation routine. OK, not a routine exactly but sort of Best Practices, if you will. I've been doing this for a while now, I know what works. These Best Practices generally include some form of visual aid or reading material. I do love me some erotica. So much of it.

Anyway, I felt the calling the other night but I had been cleaning all day. I have a houseguest arriving today and a party at my place on Friday and I worked all weekend to reduce the clutter to party-appropriate levels so I wouldn't have to worry about it when my friend got here. Pertinent to the whole masturbation thing is that means that all my books and DVDs had been put away. Sure, I could have gotten something out, used it like a two dollar whore, and put it away again but I had just spent all weekend putting things away. Putting things away is the enemy!

At this point the Justification Lobe of my brain started to work. It didn't know if it was arguing pro- or con-getting out some reading material, it didn't even know if it was arguing pro- or con-masturbation but the gears were grinding. It finally came up with, "Do you even know if you can satisfy yourself without these crutches? It's been so long I bet you can't! If you can't achieve this basic goal without assistance then what kind of sex blogger could you possibly be?"

Now, those arguments are, by and large, bullshit but they turned out to be motivational. It started to seem scientific. Could I? Only one way to find out!

I can. It's still awesome.

How about you, do you have Best Practices? Do you ever try to branch out or pare them down to see what you're capable of?

Let Me Ask You*

I was sitting at a party the other night between one friend and another. I was talking to Right Hand Friend and I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Left Hand Friend's conversation had ended and he was on his own. I reached over and took his hand. Our hands sort of naturally locked fingers and fell on the couch between us. I'm a little embarrassed to tell you that he laughed at me. I turned and he said, "What? Are we going steady now?" It did not do an ego good, I tell you!

I responded with the only tool I had available, the truth. "No! It was just that I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you but I'm having a really good conversation about sex toys over here and I'm not ready to end it yet." That'll teach him. He did have the grace to laugh at that, too, and not to interrupt.

So let me ask you, where were you the last time you had an in-person discussion of sex, sex toys, erotica, or the like? And what were you talking about?

In my conversation we were continuing a discussion we'd started days earlier about strengthening pelvic floor muscles as a way to relieve pain. In particular I was admitting that, for fun not pain, I'd bought some Luna Beads but have failed to use them as yet. I'll let you know as soon as I do!

*Is this a good title for a feature? Should it be a feature? Should I shut up about features until I get into a posting groove?

**That is not a luna bead in that picture!

And I Don't Mean British Columbia!

I know that I write fiction on this blog sometimes but I'm not making this up. Promise. Even though it's going to sound like a 7th grader going to Planned Parenthood.

A friend approached me with a question about birth control. She didn't need it for herself, she was asking for a friend. (Ok, maybe it's going to sound like a 6th grader.) The friend (I swear, it's true!) had asked her how to find out more about IUDs. She, not having been in the market for any kind of birth control for a while, wasn't sure where to look. Additionally she had some pretty strong negative feelings about IUDs but understood that her facts might be outdated. What could I tell her and what resources could I suggest for her friend?

I'm human, my first reaction was to be pretty damn pleased that someone came to me as an expert on the subject. Hard on the heels of that was some doubt about whether she was out of her fucking tree for giving me that trust. I decided to earn it and I will tell anyone who asks that I was able to do so because I write this blog. So, thanks to each and every person who has read and enjoyed this forum for discussion. You make me a better person in a measurable way.

First I went to Scarleteen because I trust them to have clear and comprehensive birth control information. Since both of the women in question (all three if you count me) are not even close to teenagers it seemed a little odd but my first criteria was trustworthy information. While I did eventually find the information I had a bit of an old lady moment because the section titles and the layout are so clearly geared toward younger people that I had a hard time identifying the right path. I eventually got to a page which included their "Birth Control Bingo," which is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure but with contraception.

Next I was inspired to search "Our Bodies, Ourselves." It's a classic resource and more of the time of the generations I'm dealing with in this case. Turns out there's a website! It's basically excerpts from the book and links. Again, though, I have faith that the people who built this book wouldn't post unvetted or otherwise shitty links, so I passed on this informative page.

Finally I went to Good Vibrations just because they're sex positive and I know the site and, not to be all broken MP3 Player about it, but I trust them. Now, logically, they're about sexual pleasure items and safety within that pleasure and that logic was borne out. I didn't find a specific page about birth control or contraception or even safe sex. I did, though, wind up at a 404 Page Not Found and that included the revelation that Good Vibrations has live chat! I don't know how to get to it except via the 404 Page so that's what I'm linking to. I am willing to bet they have experience talking about birth control and, even if they don't speak to it directly, have a go to list of good places to send chatters for help.

I think I'm allowed a small dose of pride* at my ingenuity. I'm definitely excited about what I've found. However, three links is no avalanche of fabulous information. That's what inspired me to write here. Last time I got birth control, though I was in my thirties, I made a decision based on information I learned in high school and asked a doctor I'd only been to a couple of times if there was a compelling reason to do something different than what I had decided. She didn't think so. I went diaphragm. It was fine but I don't know if I'll choose it again. I'll certainly use condoms until I'm in a position to fully trust someone and since I'm not even at the condom point right now there's time.

Seems like a good time to gather knowledge, no? Which is why I'm asking you. How did you choose your most recent form of contraception? Did you use any resources to make your decision? Do you know of any resources I could use? Man, I miss talking to you folks!

*I lose expert points for not thinking about Planned Parenthood until I started linking things in this post.

Don't Ruin the Party!

I have a longer story to tell you about yeast and homeopathic remedies and the downside to living another year but not quite enough time to tell it today. I have this other, shorter related thought I want to share, though, so today seemed a good time.

I don't enjoy the way the inside of my vagina feels.

It feels super controversial to say that, like I'm going to get dinged for self-hatred or something. Please don't get me wrong, I love my vagina. I like what it does (usually, wait for the yeast story) and how it makes some people react and how it makes me feel overall. It's just....I find myself sort of terrified when I put my fingers in there. It all feels too squishy, in an unpleasant, tapioca sort of way and then there are my fingernails. I can't get rid of the image of wearing stilettos in a bouncy castle.

You know?

To clarify, I kind of love the way the rest of the mechanism feels. Labia, clit, opening are all a treat to be devoured. It's just the chicken breast marinating in pudding sort of thing that's happening inside. I haven't been privileged to compare the way it feels to touch my vagina with the way it feels to touch someone else's either. I don't know if that danger quality would transfer or not. I assume it does but I know better than to assume anything...especially where sex is concerned.

Please, don't judge me harshly but do tell me how you feel. How's your tactile relationship with your happy parts? Let me know if I'm missing something, 'cause I'm always happy to learn something new.

Love Is Dangerous

I can't watch I Love Lucy because Ricky always tells her not to do something and then SHE DOES IT and there are predictable consequences. I can only watch Frasier occasionally because they do exactly the same thing then they go a step further. The extra step is always great but I have to get through the first act and sometimes it's impossible.

One Valentine's Day years ago they split the show up into character-focused segments. For some unknown reason I watched. The first chunk was Niles and it's nearly silent and David Hyde Pierce is a genius.

Here it is. Whatever else you're doing with your day I think you should take 5 minutes and 9 seconds to watch it. Totally worth it.

Reject Pile

As you may remember, I submitted some stories to Blogher's upcoming ebook of erotic fiction. Their nice online submission system sent me emails to confirm and every so often I'd just double check to see that my status on each piece was still listed as "In Progress." It was. All this week I've been telling myself not to check, to try and forget the whole project so I can be surprised when I hear.

This morning I got surprised. I got an email from Blogher and it was short so I knew it was bad news. Turns out, though, it was different bad news than I expected. Apparently they are no longer going forward with the project because...they didn't get enough submissions. I think that sucks on a number of levels. The editors went on to explain that they are still working on a way for a book to become a reality and that, to that end, they were reconsidering their attribution policy. As I understand it they were not going to agree to publish any story anonymously and they think that policy contributed to the lack of submissions.

Then I received the email twice more. (Once for each story.)

I've been missing writing fiction for this site. It's a problematic goal to put on my plate because of my resolution this year to "Write. At least 15 minutes a day. Not blog posts." but I think there's time and space. If there isn't I think it's worth it to make some. So, watch this page! It looks like I'm going to be back.

I think I'll also be inspired to submit some posts to Blogher's new Sex and Love section editor, Feminista Jones, because clearly we need to keep getting our words about sex out into the world.

Thanks, as ever, for reading this site and bearing with the herky jerky way I seem to be finding a place for it in my brain.