Revisiting Bring Me A Shrubbery

As many of you know, the inspiration for our Monday conversations comes from a column I wrote at The Women's Colony. I plan to reprint all those posts over time. Due to an exciting but overfull Halloween weekend this seemed like a perfect time for a reprint. 

This whole post is written with apologies to Aunt Snow, our real landscaping expert here at the Colony.

Aaryn did it. It's her fault. Thank heaven above for Aaryn! She wrote about her tolerance levels for northerly manscaping this week and I saw a theme. You know me, when I see theme potential I jump on that like stink on a vag...you know, let's explore that issue in another post entirely.

I do not, er, manicure the lawn per se. I mean, I try but...eh. I do get sick of the whole deal and occasionally trim it down enough that a nice French braid is no longer an option but that's mostly because I use the dressing room before my dance class and I feel peer pressure about my low lying ground cover. I watch porn and still I've not seen such a variety of options for styling the pubic area until I started going to this particular studio. Mostly brazilian waxes with the younger set, some neat and extremely slim landing strips, the occasional subdued Bermuda triangle but no full, natural bush. The joint caters to ballet dancers, there are probably rules for your body hair if you dance ballet seriously.

The only part of me I've ever waxed was my eyebrows. I kind of love having it done but my skin thinks I'm a sadistic bitch. I may be. I was given my first eyebrow wax by a good friend. She got a wax, rubbed a finger over the smooth area, smiled and looked nothing different. I looked like I'd walked full speed into a door for the rest of the day. I'm a tender, blushing flower, what can I say? So the thought of getting my vaginal surroundings waxed makes me shudder. I like the idea of not having to shave or worry about the whole thing. Heck, I even like the idea of not having to decide what it should look like or where it should stop. I do not like the idea of writhing in pain for a day and half every time I get it done. Also? I'm cheap. Isn't it expensive to ask someone else to handle your delicates? Especially around hot liquids.

Ok, and I'll admit this, too, I'm afraid it'll be incredibly awkward and embarrassing. I shave the whole thing down a little occasionally, sort of like weed whacking in spring, but again with the sensitive skin. I get bumps and ingrown hairs and it's not, to my eye, much prettier either way. Will waxing be better than that? I need a play by play of how this is going to go before I'm going to be able to go through with it. Tell me what it's like! Panties off, I assume? Do you pre-trim? Will the lady say mean things about my Sleeping Beauty's forest-level vines and shrubs? Does it hurt to wear jeans after? Do they really make you hold your own cheeks apart like in that one scene from Californication where the porn actress is getting her "back nine" cleaned up?

What about depilatories, does anyone still use Nair? I tried it once, only on my legs, and it was sort of a nightmare. I got nervous that all my skin was going to peel off, too. That was a mental issue, though, I didn't have any physical reaction to the goop. Do they still make the Epilady? That seems like a very bad idea but what do I know I practically bled out shaving my knees last week!

Whenever I think about this subject I think of Carrie Bradshaw. There's an episode of Sex and the City where she gets her first Brazilian and later, by the pool, the ladies are discussing it. She pulls her legs in close, wraps her arms around them and whispers, "I'm cooooold." I find that I don't love the look of a completely bare bajingo (seriously, do I sound 5 when I use all these stupid words, I feel 5, thank goodness "bare bajingo" has a nice ring to it) not because it's infantile or disgusting but because it makes the poor cooch look so vulnerable and, frankly, kind of lonely. I don't mind a landing strip configuration but it's sort of like modern architecture, a glass fronted geometrical building is interesting sometimes but I prefer a stately Victorian with a wrap around porch if I have my 'drothers. I think I'd look best with a permanent isosceles triangle, not too big, not too small and not rising too high off the green, if you'll pardon the expression. How much is that going to cost me?

Do you (and your partner if applicable) landscape? And I'm not asking about your front yard, the one in front of your house. I mean your "stately pleasure dome." If you take my meaning.